A Personal note on Preserving the Spirit

“A man who as a physical being is always turned toward the outside, thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and discovers that the source is within him.
Soren Kierkegaard”

The spirit as I understand it is a part of me that relates to my belief system, what I value and how I motivate myself, the very essence of who I am.  It symbolises for me the quality of one’s life and how much you allow yourself to live and enjoy that life.  To have a thriving spirit I think you need to really understand yourself and know yourself physically, mentally and spiritually.  The spirit can be impacted by the things that we experience in life; these experiences can  be negative or positive and each will have their own individual impact and without doubt it is always interesting to see how we develop and grow from these experiences.

My spirit that I have come to know and love is something that I cherish dearly.  It keeps me motivated, helps me enjoy life, builds relationships, develops friendships, motivates me to work, it helps me learn and experience life and continuously challenges me in that learning.  I worry sometimes that life and the very difficult challenges it brings could ever break my spirit.  However I believe that my spirit is a great source of containment and support to me even when times feel very fragile.  A wounded spirit can be extremely hard to mend, there have been many challenges to me and my spirit but luckily it continues to thrive, despite the bruising and hurt at times.  I wonder what it is that keeps one’s spirit alive and nurtured; no doubt it can be different for everyone, religious beliefs, personal meanings, life experiences, what the world and living means for each individual is of course part of that.

I am forever thankful that I can “bounce back” from challenging experiences and for that I am eternally grateful.  What helps me is a deep determination in me not to allow my spirit to be broken; there is a part of me that no matter what the challenge is that I know somehow I will survive it and eventually make meaning of it.  It may have a huge impact on my life but to remind myself that I will get through it and that I will continue to grow, develop and challenge myself through the experience helps.   Knowing your strengths, and acknowledging your weaknesses is a sign of maturity.

 I know that part of what keeps my spirit going is the people that are dear to me, the people who I truly value in my life,  the relationships I have with them, the love and the kindness that they show to me.  In a funny way the people who haven’t shown that kindness are also people that I do eventually feel grateful for because they have also shown me something too and reminded me of what I don’t want to be like.

I also believe that to have something to work towards, to find something that you like to work at is an important motivator to have in life.  My own work as a psychotherapist brings me into contact with so many people and their stories; I continue to feel amazed and privileged by the stories and the very personal journeys that I am honoured to share and witness.  What people have come through, the challenges, the abuses, and the struggles and yet their stories and their will to survive and work towards a good quality of life are so inspirational.  The work of Psychotherapy continues to make me curious, curious about life, the people living those lives, the learning, and the challenges and drive to understand. When I think about it, it is really what life is all about - transitions.  We continue to change, to grow older, life changes, people change around us, and societies, cultures, and the world we can be sure will never ever stay still.  Living life to the full brings with it challenges risks and opportunities.

Developing resilience is certainly something that helps, being able to support ourselves, trust ourselves, acknowledge our emotions, look for support when we need it are certainly things that assist us in that.  Self-care and mindfulness are two more things that we need to adhere to.  How we learn to value and respect ourselves is also something that we need to continually nurture.  We will not allow anyone else to devalue or disrespect us if we hold those two things dear.  I believe our need and our right to fight for what is right is also an asset to the survival of the spirit, knowing how to use our anger in a constructive way is well worth its weight in gold.

To always remember that you have choices, options and freedom no matter what - something one should never let go of.  Find time to do what you love, something that is healthy and nurturing, walk, sing, dance, paint, laugh, swim, whatever it is, whatever “floats your boat”  they are the kind of things that we should always make time for.  If all else fails take a “leap of faith”.

Lastly I think of Viktor Frankl who survived some of the worst experiences anyone should have to endure in their lives.  His contributions to the world from his experience and his determination to make meaning out of one of the most horrific experiences one could ever imagine is an inspiration to the world and a reminder of why we should keep our spirit alive and well no matter what the situation is.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Viktor E. Frankl

The "Amber" Experience

 Yes, yes I did watch it along with everybody else that was glued to the telly for those four nights to see the outcome of Amber and yes I was utterly disappointed with the ending.  However on reflection the disappointment I felt  was actually more about the fact  that this ending  portrays how it is for an awful lot of families; they have  never got the answer to what  happened to their loved ones who have for all it seems disappeared off the face of the earth.

The programme has certainly stirred up a reaction, from twitter to radio stations to the newspapers - everyone in the media and everywhere else having something to say about Amber and the ending over the last couple of days.  I see this morning’s paper has an article about the ending we never got, but although I found it interesting to read and an interesting take on  how they tied it all up, you know I just didn’t buy it.  In actual fact if you think about it there could have been so many different endings written and that is the only reality, everyone will have a different take on what that ending might be and that is part of what we do as people; we project onto things what we like, what we don’t like, how we would like it to be, it’s about things that get triggered in us and how we interpret what has happened and how we would like to draw it to a close.  It may be easier to wrap things up than leave the unknown.

I really enjoyed watching Amber, apart from the fact that they used Lehauntstown as the Luas Station as the place she disappeared from, which to be honest doesn't surprise me if you were to pick a place yes it fits the picture.  I used to walk that road as a teenager and it was spooky then and even with a few more houses being built on it, it is still one spooky road.  It's a lonely, isolated road and you could well imagine someone disappearing without trace on it.   I thought the editing  was extremely clever, it was constantly going back to different days and filling us in on the story and how different people were coping with the horrific situation they found themselves in as a family, trying to put piece by piece together to see if they could solve the mystery and ultimately get their daughter back.

 We saw the mother who never wanted to give up hope, trying to hold everything together and ultimately accepting the fact that she may never find her daughter or get an answer to what happened.  The brother who kept calling his sister on her mobile to either hear her voice, or just to leave a message in the hope that she might hear it and that it would make some difference to the situation and bring her home.  The Dad who was trying and trying to understand what had happened and ultimately put himself in a very precarious situation, delving into the underworld of trafficking and paedophiles to try and get an answer to his question.  In part four we got a real insight into the complete and utter distress the two parents felt at the loss of their daughter, the not knowing and breaking down in tears in each others  arms – heartbreaking.

What I am left with and curious about at the end of it all is how we cope with the not knowing.  I have heard many people relay the message that they wasted four nights watching this Drama to what most of them described as a “Shite” ending!  Other believe the writers were indeed very brave to leave the ending as they did and I believe from reading in the paper that one of the writers has had the experience of a brother-in-law going missing and never being found so must know only too well how this whole experience would impact on a family.

 When you think about it we spend so much of our lives giving away our time, watching telly,  working, doing things, hobbies, having fun, relationships to name just a few.  We have expectations about the outcomes of all the things we put our time into in our everyday lives, however they are only expectations we don’t have control over any of the outcomes of these things we just hope they work out the way we want them too.  The reality is however we never know what one day is going to bring, one hour or in fact one minute – it is the illusion of control - that control that we don’t ultimately have when we think about it.  I think this is what the reaction to Amber is really all about because somewhere we think it should have been wrapped up in a nice tidy little package – rather than deal with the reality of not knowing.  Scenario 1; a happy ending they find their daughter and everyone goes back to living a happy life. Scenario 2; we find out who was responsible for her disappearance she is alive but has suffered; would that have been any easier to take- I don’t think so.  Scenario three; we find out she is dead, she drowned, an accident or someone murdered her or even a suicide, again would it have been any easier to take.  The family would get some answers maybe but they still wouldn’t know exactly what happened and may at some level not want to know.   Again the distress would not I imagine be any easier.  To finish on a quote:

 “I think it's much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong. I have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of uncertainty about different things, but I am not absolutely sure of anything and there are many things I don't know anything about, such as whether it means anything to ask why we're here. I don't have to know an answer. I don't feel frightened not knowing things, by being lost in a mysterious universe without any purpose, which is the way it really is as far as I can tell.”  - Richard P. Feynman http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/uncertainty 

 

Anne B’s “S.H.I.T.E. Busting Technique”

Hi all,

 This little piece has been inspired by a few different experiences and struggles, personal ones and  hearing friends going through their own experiences and difficulties and everywhere else that  “shite” has raised its ugly head. It’s written a little tongue in cheek, so take it with the humour that is meant but also there is a serious side to it, and remember the good points that might help when you are dealing with “shite”.   It got me wondering how some people seem to have to deal with what would appear to be more than their fair share of “shite”, while others seem to glide through life without “shite”.  Maybe that is just an illusion because without a doubt life in general tends to throw a fair amount of “Shite” around at any given moment and we have to learn to deal with it, manage it and above all learn to protect ourselves when we are experiencing it. 

One wonders though are there people out there who are too good at dealing with “Shite” and therefore it seems to land on their doorstep all the time, others who just ignore the “Shite” and don’t deal with it, there are people who may be too good at throwing “Shite” around so it sticks to everyone else, and some people who seem to have what can only be described as “Shite magnets”!   By “Shite” I mean all the crap stuff that happens, I am sure I don’t have to go in to detail about what these are here we can all identify, need I say more?....  All in all we can learn a lot from “shite”  but there is no doubt that’s it hard when you are in the thick of it!  So I came up with a little acronym that I thought might be helpful and also a bit amusing because in the end of the day it is essential that we hold on to our sense of humour, being able to laugh at the “shite” is probably one of our great defences!

So let’s look at the word “Shite” and see what we can come up with:

S stands for simplify:  What are you experiencing, what are you hearing – take the problem and have a good long look at it, get help, get support and simplify – often problems can look like a big old tangled mess; when we simplify we can start to see a route through and maybe a few different options that we were missing along the way.

H hatch the plan:  look at the options, sound them out.  Don’t rush into any decisions, get advice, there is many a decision made in haste looking for the quick solution which may not be always the best at hand in fact it may increase the difficulties later on.  H also stands for hope hang on to that hope and don’t let it go, it is one of the things that can really motivate you and also it's worth remembering the tricky situations you were in before that you managed to get out of, that is resilience and you have it more than you know.

I is imagine:  what your life would be without this “shite”!  Think it through and give yourself moments of “shite free time”, take a walk, meet a friend, have a cup of coffee, do something nice for yourself.  Imagine when all this has blown over and what your life might look like then, remember all “shite” passes eventually.

T is for transform:  You will reach a point of transformation when all this has passed and you will learn more about yourself along the way, you will discover your strengths and your weaknesses and learn to work with both, one of these days you might actually thank the “shite” for teaching you the lesson, but that takes time and progress.

E is for emergence:  There is nothing like knowing that you have worked through the “shite” and come out at the other end.  A bit like the Phoenix coming out of the Ashes, time to rebuild, refocus on what’s important.  Life is ever evolving and so are we, we can always work on picking ourselves up and moving on to the next phase, don’t let anybody else’s “shite” keep you down – if you do you are giving them way too much power over your life!

 

Add to the above, self-care, self-respect, assertiveness, boundaries and good communication skills - are all necessary skills and needs to be aware of.

To finish I think a quote from Mark Twain will suffice:

“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight; it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” Mark Twain

 

The Psychotherapeutic Journey - What is it?

Hi All,

My inspiration for the blog this week is the "Green Ribbon" Campaign that See Change are promoting for the month of May, encouraging people to talk about Mental Health issues and to challenge Stigma.  On that note I thought it might be a good idea to talk about what psychotherapy can offer to people who might be interested in looking at how it helps.  I have heard it said that "psychotherapy" is one of the best kept secrets in the world and maybe now is a good time to share that "secret"!  Psychotherapy is one of the professions that seems to be covered by some mysterious veil -it has often been my experience that  as soon as I mention that I am a psychotherapist that people can become cautiously intrigued; there can be a lot of misunderstanding about what the experience offers and I hope in this blog to explain the potential that psychotherapy has to offer, it is hard to sum up because the experience is unique to each individual but bear with me and hopefully you can get some insight into the deeper experience of what psychotherapy is.

I have often been asked "what is a psychotherapist? "What's the difference between psychotherapy, psychiatry & psychology?" - as I said it's difficult to give a short answer to these kind of questions; however on reflection I think the best way of summing it up is to reflect on my own journey through psychotherapy. It is in a nutshell the discovery of self- a personal journey to reflect and understand the experiences we have had on life and how they have influenced our lives today. The journey can be tough at times; we need the ability and the willingness to explore all the different aspects of ourselves, our weaknesses and our strengths. This can lead us to a better understanding of how we relate to the world around us, being fully aware of our constructive and destructive tendencies.

Psychotherapy provides us with the opportunity to truly discover our authentic selves, truly know our belief systems and what we value including ourselves, the many talents that we have to enjoy and share in the world we live in. Often we can lose a sense of these as we are growing up for all kinds of reasons; early trauma, repeated traumas, unrealistic expectations, judgements, the environment we live in, relationships we experience: the list goes on.  Through our experiences we may actually lose touch with a part of ourselves before we even truly know it e.g. creativity, emotional awareness; a sense of being robbed of something we didn't even know we had! That is something that I firmly believe that psychotherapy can help with; to rediscover ourselves in a whole new way, taking the fragmented parts of ourselves and bringing them back to a sense of wholeness. No matter what we tend to face in our life we will  know that there is a good solid foundation that can deal with the many challenges life throws at us; even though we may feel extremely vulnerable in it, there is a rich strength within ourselves that we know won't abandon us in our hour of need.

What's the difference in the different mental health professions?  In psychotherapy you won't get a diagnosis; however if there are mental health issues we can work with them in conjunction with a psychiatrist or a GP if necessary to meet your needs.  Psychology; in truth there is a huge amount of psychology in psychotherapy; it gives us a greater understanding of LifeSpan Development and many of the theoretical influences from psychology have added to and expanded the rich knowledge that is evident within the field of psychotherapy.  One more thing that I believe is that psychotherapy can also incorporate a deep philosophical aspect to the therapeutic work that maybe other professions in the field of mental health don't offer.

I also believe that  when you embark on this psychotherapeutic journey that you need to be accompanied by a therapist who has had  this experience;  someone who can hear and understand what you need to speak, to accompany you on your journey and support you, to acknowledge and affirm your experiences, and to assist you in exploring what you need while keeping things in perspective, it is about you finding direction in your life.  Psychotherapy is about finding a safe place to talk, there are no expectations and no judgements, it is a place that will allow you to be as you need to be, an acceptance of where you find yourself at any given time.  Understandably it is often at moments of crisis that people find themselves coming to psychotherapy, crisis brings with it that need for change, the need to understand and the need to make meaning out of what is happening and how we transcend this crisis intact. 

"Transformation of our trauma in a creative way requires us to go beyond the wrongs done to us and not to oppose or avenge, but to transcend our pain and injustice.  This does not mean to forgive and forget, but rather to understand comprehend what has happened and go beyond it in some way."  (Emmy van Deurzen - Psychotherapy and the Quest for Happiness 2009 p 123)

Crisis and catharsis can go hand in hand, going through crisis can without a doubt be a lonely place, it brings with it great stress and distress but knowing at some level we can work through it can provide us with a very necessary lifeline.   The word Crisis can cover a multitude, and of course there are many different crises that we can face in our lives.  We may have an understanding of the word crisis such as a trauma that has happened, or a life crisis through illness or separation; when we compare our experiences it may be that we think our problem is not worthy enough of support or indeed not big enough for psychotherapy that we are making a mountain out of a molehill.  It might be worth remembering though that  there is also that cognitive dissonance that we can feel when we are trying to live our lives through other peoples expectations rather than a true knowing of what we need ourselves and the direction in which we want to go;  this can truly be one of the most lonely and isolating places to be. Psychotherapy I believe can offer a space to deal with this loneliness and gain a greater understanding of living by offering much needed support for someone to embark on a journey of understanding of what it is like to engage in truly authentic living.

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering." Ben Okri

References: 
Psychotherapy and the Quest for Happiness by Emmy van Deurzen
                 
Existential Counselling & Psychotherapy in Practice Third Edition by Emmy van Deurzen

The Debtor's Prison in today's world

This blog was inspired by reading an interview by Neil Morrisey who played Fagin in the recent  
production of Oliver in Dublin.  I unfortunately didn't get to see the production but was intrigued while reading the interview when I came across the fact that Charles Dickens' father had been sent to a Debtors' Prison and how this had had a huge impact on Charles Dickens' life.  Curiosity got the better of me and I found myself reading more about Charles Dickens and his experiences here is a link to some of them http://www.historyinanhour.com/2012/02/07/dickens-and-debt/. As you can see it wasn't an easy life and family life became completely fragmented, on the other hand you can see where he channelled a lot of his experiences into writing which were invaluable.

Well we all know and can be thankful that things have changed but it got me thinking about the impact of this recession and the financial crisis that Ireland continues to try and deal with; the impact that this is having on families and individuals.  We have seen Pieta House launch a new campaign called Mind Our Men because there are 8 males completing a suicide every week in Ireland.  Another article I read spoke of averages of 1 in 4 people suffering mental health issues in their lives, but because of financial pressures that becomes 1 in 2.  I read another story in the paper today and the concern for teenagers who are reaching higher levels of stress, self-harm and suicidal behaviour and the thinking behind this is because teenagers are having to deal in their own way with the stresses that this recession is having on families  Everyday we hear about spending cuts, new taxes and how these taxes are going to be paid one way or the other, if not willingly they can be taken from your wages.  Insolvency laws that have now been introduced are coming in for some harsh criticism, and we hear stories about politicians making references to what kind of things people should or should not be spending their money on - there was a reference made to having the money to pay for something like sky television and that this was questionable, banks dictating where people can send their children to school and how much money a family should be able to spend on food and more recently the possibility of women being forced to quit their jobs if they cannot afford childcare.  We hear about people who are in negative equity and how they will be paying off mortgages for the rest of their lives. 

It appears that although we may not have the same kind of Debtors' Prison that we had many many years ago, however we seem to have invented a new kind of one.  We don't lock up people anymore in prisons for debt but through reckless lending and reckless property pricing among other things we have managed to create a society that has locked people into a prison of debt;, there aren't any bars on the windows but what's on offer doesn't seem to be offering people a lot of freedom or support in helping them to manage their way through it.  It seems that as always the people who created the mess continue to thrive, declaring bankruptcy in other countries with proclamations about reinventing their businessess and other people who are left behind to pick up the pieces are carrying the burden!

In the midst of all this pressure and stress though I am reminded again why everybody needs to be aware of how they self-care and help themselves deal with the pressure and stress.  Don't be afraid to look for help, and although there is a perception that Psychotherapy and Counselling can be costly, my advice is to look for and find therapists who offer this service and can meet your needs.  There is no need for people to have to wait either, some of the voluntary organisations have long waiting lists but there our Centres like ourselves www.johnstowntherapy.com who continue to offer services to people at a cost that they can afford.  Your health is your wealth!

Happy New Year for 2013

Hi All,

Well here we are in 2013 having survived xmas and all that goes with it.  I hope you all had a lovely xmas and wish you all the best for the new year.

January is often a month when people are winding down from the xmas festivities and looking at what the new year might hold for them.  It is a time when people start to look back on the year that has been and assess what they might want to change for the New Year.  New Years resolution are made and there is a need to start afresh; out with the old and in with the new.

I gave up making new years resolutions a long time ago, figuring that if I need to change anything that I should do it when it's necessary rather than waiting for the new year to come along.  I have often found that we can put so much pressure on ourselves to come up with several different new years resolutions that by the time the lists are made and January comes to and end we can feel exhausted and all too often lose the motivation for the goals we so eagerly set.  The list becomes a thing of the past, forgotten about and in one way was always doomed for failure because there was just too much on it in the first place.

So wouldn't it be a good idea if you really want to change something to pick one thing to start with and really commit to it, make a plan, work on it and see what motivates you, set some goals and if that doesn't work revisit the plan and see what will work.  See how you feel at the end of it and then tackle something else.


"What we call the beginning is often the end.  And to make an end is to make a beginning.  The end is where we start from."  T.S. Eliot
Whatever your goal for this year, I hope you achieve it and wish you all the best for 2013 may it be a great one for you.  More blogs to come in the New Year enjoy 2013 :-).

Cyber Bullying

Cyber bullying is something that has become a very real threat to mental well being. Children & Adolescents are using the internet and social media as ways to communicate and this generation in particular have grown up with technology and social media in a way that many of the older generation didn't. It is the normal way for them to communicate however it would appear that, as with any other way of communicating, there needs to be more education on how to protect and mind yourself while communicating in this way. There is also a need to learn and educate ourselves on what defines healthy and appropriate communication. We teach our children & adolescents everyday Life Skills from the day they are born and now it is time to start educating them to use these when dealing with social media/networking - the same rules regarding Life Skills apply here it's just another arena.

• Firstly parents and adults need to know more about this way of communicating, they need to educate themselves on how things like Facebook work. Make yourself familiar with the internet; the more you know the less in the dark you are going to be. Know how to protect your children & adolescents from abusive sites.

• Talk to your teenager about their profile or account, what they are using it for, what kind of pages they like etc. Get to know them, get to know what they like, have open discussions with them on different topics. You are not always going to be around to keep an eye and part of growing up and developing is learning to make your own moral decisions. Talk to them about their privacy settings and make sure they do not except random requests for friendship from people they don't know.

• Limit the time they spend on the computer, and know all the ways that they have of accessing their computer; for instance do they have access to the internet on their phone or their ipod? Many people think that because they are off the computer they don't have access to facebook but they can connect in other ways.

• When they are getting abusive or nasty messages from anybody make sure they know what to do. For instance, the more they engage the worse it will get, they should talk to you or a trusted adult in how to deal with this, they can also report it. Conflict, arguments, falling out with friends is all part of growing up - the most appropriate way of dealing with an issue is face to face, sending messages via text or facebook are not appropriate ways of dealing with conflict and they can become abusive very easily. They can also last a lot longer than a conversation and the things that are posted can be reread 24/7 which can only be retraumatising for anybody reading that kind of stuff.

• You can report any of these things to the Gardai and by all accounts the Gardai I hear have been very supportive to people who have found themselves in this kind of situation.

• It might also be wise to inform the school particularly if the bullies are children or adolescents in the same class.

• Websites that do not have proper monitoring are only at some level encouraging abusive behaviour - most professional websites have ways of monitoring and reporting abusive behaviour; if they don't, don't use them! You still need to be able to make your own judgements on whether communication is being abusive or not.

• Anger management is essential when dealing with conflict - when we respond in anger we often lose focus on what is really important. Learning how to stand back and not meet negative energy with more negative energy is a real skill. Because the internet and texting are so readily available generally people may respond or write things without thinking about the impact. It's not that people don't do that in other ways of communicating but it can happen so much more easily when we have access to technology and it happens too often that people regret that text they might have sent in the heat of the moment, or late at night. When communicating always give yourself time to think about what you are going to say and how it may impact on yourself and others.

Good self-confidence, good boundaries, assertiveness skills, anger management skills and healthy communication are all good tools for your child & adolescent when dealing with the internet but are also skills that will last a lifetime.

The bottom line is that you would never drop your child in a situation that is unfamiliar to them and expect them to navigate their own way through it without teaching them coping skills, the internet is no different.

Stay Safe :-)